I haven't blogged in quite a while. I couldn't say why, I just haven't really had anything I can write about. Freshers is just completely mad, I was never in to going out late, 11o'clock and I'm tired and want to go to bed, midnight and I'm already asleep. But here, people don't go out till like 10, 11o'clock which is crazy! Then you don't get back until 2,3o'clock in the morning before you cram in 4 hours sleep before you have to get up again.


Sorry but that just isn't me. Go out at about 8 sure, come back at like midnight, I could handle. You get the same time out but you get back a whole lot earlier and you don't feel as crap the next day.


I sound like an old lady.


But the past couple of weeks have been great, splitting my time between uni and seeing Joe. So I've been spending monday till friday with my uni peeps, going out every now and again and friday till sunday with Joe. It's great because by the time sunday comes around I only have to wait 5 days to see him again. I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it up all term, I might have to stay home some weekends and do work, because I daresay there are going to be some scary essays I have to write. Essays on science! 


So the fire alarm went off at 10:30 this morning. I know I shouldn't really complain, it was late in the morning, but it was set off because of someone who burnt pasta..I didn't even know you could burn pasta! And I was still all warm in bed as well :(


And I have a stonking cold
And my throat hurts
And even though I get to see him more than I did I still miss him

I've thought about what I've been writing and this is really personal, even for me. Reason 1 why I'm glad I know all the people following my blog XD




This sucks.


For the most part, it sucks because since I got here 3 days ago, all I've done is missed him. Well, I went out monday night, but I still spent most of it with him, especially when some guy with the wrong idea thinks it would be a good idea to start pressing himself against me. At which point I swiftly move away and try to stay in the company of the girls I know that I'm there with.


But I now have a bright pink blow up guitar, so the evening wasn't a total loss, I just have to wait for the pictures to come up.


Part of me just wishes that I could just sort of skip this part of my life, this might just have come from starting to read The Time Travellers Wife in Starbucks on monday. I don't know how or why someone would write such a tragically sad book, but I can't seem to stop reading it. And crying. A lot.


But I just wish I could skip this part of my life and just go straight to the marriage and children part. I've been a very broody person since I was about 15, a fact I have kept from Joe in case it makes him want to run to the hills. I was talking to Lucy the other day who said that she could quite happily have a child now, but wouldn't because of the crapness of life. Personally, I can't wait. I really can't. But I'll have to; for now.


I've been in a fairly bleak mood today, crying a lot and missing Joe so terribly that I can do nothing else but cry. I guess that's what got me onto thinking about children, a small part of him that would be with me always, even when he couldn't be.


But at the moment I don't think he'd want to be with me anyway, given that a few minutes ago he branded me a hypocrite over a comment I made without thinking:
"It would be a sad day when I'd have to join xbox live just to get you to talk to me."
I apparantly hung up on him to meet someone for an hour, so I'm a hypocrite. Apparantly in my current mood I can't make jokes anymore, but I exited facebook and put my laptop on standby but he hasn't phoned or texted so I'm assuming he's really mad this time. The minute I saw him getting angry I, of course, started to cry, and when he called me a hypocrite I had to crawl under my duvet and sob until I looked like even more of a mess than I already did.


I think this is what many would call a 'Rocky patch', I'm not sure how I'm supposed to pretend to be someone who likes to go out and get drunk (I'm still holding on to my being drunk virginity) and be able to stay in and answer his texts when I get them. Because believe me, I'd rather stay at home just to wait for a text from him than go out with a bunch of people I don't really know and not get back till the early hours of the morning. I mean sure, that's fun once in a while, but it's not really me.


Damn my mum for making me grow up before my time.


So now I get to wallow in self pity, wishing for the next 11 days to go past and I can actually do something. 


But, I'd rather go to his on thursday and never come back, just stay locked in his room, rejecting the world and just being together. Because above all, I just miss him.

Today I...

got homesick for the first time.


Not for home


But for Joe, my real home :(

Cos I'm leaavin' on a jet plaane!

Is moving out tomorrow


Eeek!


All I know is that I'm going to miss my buff oh so so so much :(








And that I still need to pack =/

I wish he would grow a beard...

I wish he would grow a beard, because I'm strangely attracted to male facial hair.

I get really excited when his face starts getting furrier and furrier and then one day; poof! Fur GONE :( Despite the number of times I tell him to leave it.

*sigh*

and no, I don't mean creepy pedophile beards either comme ca:

No, I mean sexy sexy beards like this:

And by the way; Gerard Butler <3 

I'm not sure why I've done a post about beards, but my blog posts have been kinda heavy lately =/

Beard out! :P

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am. Do I always like myself? Well, no. Most of the time I can't stand who I am, but there's not a lot I can do about that now is there?
I'm bitchy, sarcastic, cynical, pessimistic, judgmental, prejudiced, sizeist, needy, clingy, lazy, a worrier, an overthinker and I feel entirely too deeply.


I may not be the best friend you'll ever have, I may have trouble voicing my feelings, of which I have so many. But I've just got to try harder with the people I know, not lose touch, go out more! Go get that life I've been promising myself, try not to look back and regret the time I've spent in my room, waiting for that text to come, the phone will never ring whilst you're staring at it.


Laugh too much make a fool of myself stay happily in love stop thinking too much go with the flow! Life is for living so why don't I just do it? Be more demanding don't let him get away with anything :P 
The only thing I'm good at is falling in love, and staying that way. And somehow keeping them around and making them want to keep me forever. Even if it hasn't quite lasted that long, they had at least thought about it. 


So don't like me if you want, I'm not going to dwell on that, overfeeling as I am, I'll most likely just laugh about it.
If we didn't laugh we'd only cry.

P.s. this text is rocking XD Man colours are great!

Just a bit of a break down

At this moment in time; I don't want to go.

I want to fail

I want to be stuck in this shit hole for another year

I want to have to go back to college and redo everything I've done this past year.

Why?

Because I don't want to be further away from him than I already am.

45.6 miles are heartbreaking enough as it is, how am I going to handle 65.6?

And I know it's only an hour and three quarters by train,

But I don't want to.

I can't be without him, it hurts too much

It's bad when you want something you know you have no chance of actually getting

P.S. I wish I'd stop with the waterworks =/

Meh..

So much to say, to rant.

But I can't because it's not private enough here =/

Considered writing a diary again, at least that is read by only me and I can look back at my whinings and be glad no one else was bored by them.

But these are real issues and I don't know why I can't bring myself to tell anyone =/

Things I love and hate (stolen from sexy Helen ;) )

I love Joe Reid
I love bread
I love sunsets
I love beetroot

I hate cheaters
I hate being ill
I hate anything really that's green
I hate bad spelling

All the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Well, I came back. And aren't I glad I did...not.

The bad thing about a drug is that once you get more of it, you always want that much, always want more than you can probably get.

But yeah, the week was perfect, well, except that Joe decided that he liked it when I got mad. So he provoked me; a lot. And I get teasy when it's too hot. And I consider 35 degrees plus to be too hot XD

But it was so nice to spend those nine days with him. NINE STRAIGHT DAYS! :D

Best
Week
EVER!

But when I got home, after going to a BBQ, my mum wasn't talking to me. What a surprise. But luckily she was going away the next day anyway with Dad. So now I have the house all to myself (well except from my never-present brother; who I have to feed by the way) and I couldn't be happier. Well I would be happier if I had a Joe to cuddle up to every night and a bigger bed so I could fit a double bed into. But that is neither here nor there.

So I'm starting to work towards my grade 7 in piano. The numbers are getting bigger and closer to the goal of Grade 8. But unfortunately I'm doing this one alone as I've left college and I don't have the heart to ask my parents to get a private tutor. But yeah, grade 7; scary. You have no idea how surprised I was when I phoned home my third day in Portugal and heard that I'd passed. I didn't expect to pass in any way, shape or form. But there you go. In one year I have done my music theory test and passed grade 6; that's an achievement in itself isn't it?

But, I can't help but think that in just 19 days I'm going to find out my fate for the next three years of my life. I'll probably get a letter from Plymouth in a couple of weeks with either good news or bad news. Every time I think about it my heart gets all anxious. But I'm trying to be nonchalant, but in my head all I can think to myself is that I haven't managed it, that I'm going to be stuck here for another year.

I don't think I could handle that. I couldn't bear living in this hell hole for another year. I don't even want to consider that outcome. Lately I've been wondering if I could ever have the strength and or bravery to walk out of here, walk out of this house and do what I want to do for once. Rather than do what I know I should do, or rather, what I feel I HAVE to do. I can't make her happy forever, I can barely do it as it is, so why not just walk out?

So she's not talking to him. I mean really, how immature is that? Does ignoring people ever solve anything? All it's doing is creating tension at home and I just can't stand being around here.


I am SO glad I'm going away the day after tomorrow :D


This is all because Dad spent the weekend at work because they were due to start at a new place today. And NOW she's pissed because his current job is in Plymouth. So he didn't get home till half six and she didn't talk to him.


And he finds it funny...which is SO not helping.


I'm just hoping the argument starts after I leave, wednesday evening or later and I don't care. 


They've been married 25 years and I still don't know how =/




I've always promised myself that I would never end up like that. That I would marry the right person. And I have to get married if I want a family, especially judging by the way my family talks about people who have kids when they get married. My Uncle, after he split with my Aunt, had a baby with a woman and they were all just like:
"Is he going to do the right thing and marry her?!?" I hate that. It's just so narrow-minded. There's no law saying you have to be married to have children, but unfortunately I live in a backwards family.


Okay, a bird just flew into my window and scared the shit out of me...


But yeah, that's what's going on at the moment :) fun times...


P.S. I'm still lonely and need hugs -.- someone seems to be having a love affair with his xbox before he has to do without it for a week -.-

Suckfest

At the moment I can't help but think that my life kind of sucks. I mean all I seem to do is go to work and go on facebook or msn to see if my boyfriend is online...which he generally isn't.
I'm glad I have a job, purely because I get money from it, I borderline hate my job and it's only been like, 3/4 months. I find it hard to care about a job where I basically clean up after people who generally smell like they ought to have maybe used the complimentary shower gel and shampoo/conditioner. And I know, I know that many would be glad of £6 an hour, but unfortunately it's taking over my life. I get 2 days off a week and to be honest, after I've had my glorious lie-in the day is mostly gone and there's nothing I can do about it. And then the next day I go back to my place of work which is filled with people bitching about other people who work there, usually at like 8am; and to be honest, who even functions at that time in the morning?


I know dragging myself out of bed at 7am shouldn't really be such a pain, but it's just everything is so so mundane. Every room has sort of merged into one and I just feel like I'm wandering around for most of the day behaving like a robot, just allowing herself to be ordered around. 


And yes, I've always been a pushover.


I'm becoming increasingly nervous about tomorrow night. Clubbing in Plymouth. I've never been to a club before beyond our safe little college party. Clubbing with a bunch of people who don't know when to stop. Hmm, I'm not much of a drinker, and I don't know how this group of people is going to take that. They like to drink until they have no idea what they're doing, and I just think that's kind of pathetic.


You know when people are all like:
1: Good night last night?
2: I dunno, it must have been good, I can't remember it!


I just think that's just sad. Why have a 'good' time if you can't even remember it afterwards? Why bother doing something that will just ultimately make you feel like you want to die? Sadly not many people follow my view as I see my friends and everyone else my age going out and getting absolutely hammered when I can't help but look on in pity. As snobbish as that sounds :P


In other news, I go to Portugal in 6 days! WOOOOOOO I can't wait! I get to see a certain someone for days and days and days :D 


Best.
Week.
EVER!


I'm about ready for a nap...friday night. How the hell am I going to get through tomorrow?

Things I'll never say

Facebook status I'll never post:

Hayley Paramore: Keeps crying whenever she has to leave him...pathetic.

So yeah, I need to grow some balls, it just upsets him. Well, it also makes him happy in a way too XD But I just keep imagining how much of a bawling wreck I'm going to be if/when I go to Uni this year...yeah, that ain't gonna be pretty. 

I am the most unattractive crier XD

In other news...I have SAVINGS! I've never had savings :D

Also, my keyboard and laptop scrolly thing are on the fritz...yaaaay *sarcasm*

Enter shortest blog post ever!

P.s. I love you

More than anything

Hayley Paramore: hasn't blogged in a disgustingly long time

Urgh to start with, exams suck major mutt fluff. It's not even as if I've been doing that much revision, or been that stressed. If I were I'd have lost the few pounds I've gained since last September, for which I can only blame one person :P

I just looked back in my blog and found that on the 18th of April I said I would wear my hair curly every day. And I have, except for a few days where I've had my hair up. Is it sad I find that an amazing achievement?

So here I am listening to the soundtrack to glee thinking about the next few months, as I always seem to be lately. I don't know, it's like I don't think anything's actually going to happen. To me, I'll just be going back to school for another year because that's the way this time of year's always felt. I can't believe I might actually be moving on and having some control over my own life. That idea on it's own seems incredible. I can't wait to have my own life that no one dictates except myself. Of course, that probably won't be the case, I'll probably be so used to a certain someone (my mother) dictating what I can and cannot do (mostly the latter), I won't be able to live my own life with her voice as my conscience. Damn conscience.

I'd like to get wasted, just once. I think the whole thing is stupid, but I'd like to try it. Especially now I've found 'my drink'. Mmmmm Malibu :D
I'd like to get my tattoo, which is an idea my parents abhor. Which will be fun :P
I'd like to dye my hair an outrageous colour, just once. When I want to do something I have to do it, get it out of my system so I can move on. I'm thinking Hayley Williams hair ;)
I'd like to move in with a certain someone. This one's at the forefront of my mind, especially seeing as Lucy is moving in with Chris on Monday and I can't say I'm not jealous. Especially seeing as they've been together like 4/5 months and Joe and I have been together 9. That doesn't seem fair now does it?

There's so much I'd like to do with my life, I just don't know how much of it I'm going to get done. I should write a bucket list and that can lead my life for me. All I need is Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson now :P

Okay so the bucket list (work in progress):

Go to University and act a little stupid, leaving behind my sensibleness.
Become a Doctor
To get married.
To have a family
Visit Ghana, or somewhere in Africa
Go to Italy
I'd love to go to Asia
Go snowboarding
Finish training as an Ice Skater
Finish Grade 8 Piano
Go to an audition for TV/Movies
Live in a foreign country
Go snorkelling
Skydive

Well that's a start. We'll see how we do with that one :P
But anyways, before I went off on a tangent, I'm looking forward to having my own bathroom! En-suite room at Uni. It's going to be so so good. Lol I'm a bit of a bathroom freak, I don't like to share them XD

At the moment I have a stonking cold. It's giving me nosebleeds and stuff. On Thursday, I had a really heavy one for 25 minutes, Mum was freaking out because you're supposed to go to the hospital after 30 minutes. But yeah, pretty lightheaded that day!
But it's getting better, only slowly. I gave it to Joe, I stayed at his wednesday and he didn't stay away from my grossness XD bless him

Anyways there's a blog, a crap one but a blog non-the-less

Small vent

So basically I've just come to realise how close this whole Uni thing is. I mean, it's only four months away and that's simply too fast. I don't want to leave this insignificant corner of the country that everyone else forgets about. And my first exam is in three weeks and I haven't been able to find it in me to seriously pick up a book. I have trouble with starting revising. Then I worry about the fact I haven't revised. Then the more I worry, the more I can't physically bring myself to actual pick up the stupid book. And when I worry, I lose weight. Hence why I had to have my dress taken in a good few inches before the Prom. Though if the worry could take some of my hip fat rather than from my belly, I'll be eternally grateful.
But the next 2 months will shape whether or not I actually get to go to university, but I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. I feel dumb enough about everything I'm going to be tested on, but I just don't know where to begin. Whenever I do manage to read some of my textbook, I just think to myself 'oh I know this, I don't need to read about it.' But of course, if I ever got a question on it on a past paper I would think to myself 'I have no idea what this is going on about!' And so another vicious circle is formed.
Plus I can guarantee right now that if I actually do make it to uni this year, I'll just become an even more insecure mess, testing everyone I know now. See, I'm like that, I like to test how much people care. For example, I wouldn't text someone, just to see if they would text me first. I like to think that I avoid texting people because I don't want to annoy them, but really I just want to see if they'll text me first. But the thing with testing people is that you never get the result you want. If you don't text someone all day, chances are that they won't text you. Which in itself is a sad concept because the more you wait the more you feel they don't care.
So really, the moral is that testing people never makes you any happier. More likely than not, they like you texting them first, and when you don't text them, it just makes them feel unwanted. Sorry for the persistent texting analogy...it just fits in with modern times :P

But yeah, when I go to uni, I can see myself becoming even more neurotic. I like to think that I'll be able to hide it well, but as time goes on, I will eventually turn into a crazy person. But I think keeping that from a certain someone would be best XD

I'm not quite sure where I thought I was going with this one. I wish for once I could write a completely happy blog post that doesn't make me want to slap myself.

I'm going to go whilst I'm still slightly ahead.
Night xx

All I do is dream of you

Ohh yeah, my first post in 18 days XD And my last one was officially bumming me out.


So here I am in my 'office', my brother went back to university yesterday and he has a desk. So I can do work not on my bed :O. Shocker XD. But his desk is made of glass and every time I put anything on it I silently pray to myself that it isn't going to smash. Even though it's like, reinforced glass or something.


But away from the desk XD


I think I'm one of the only people who hate the holidays. I've been away from college and seen Joe a total of 5 days. 4/15 isn't a good fraction. In fact it SUCKS. Which probably isn't made any better by the fact that my parents are going away this weeked. This is a fact that makes me different to every other teenager, I don't want my parents to leave me for 3 days. I KNOW it's their anniversary and all, but I don't like being on my own. Like; at all. And unfortunately I'm working Saturday and Sunday mornings so Joe doesn't want to come over. I mean he could have stayed from friday till Sunday and I could have...yeah whatever. It doesn't matter anyways.


I'd have people over if it wasn't for the same 'I have work at 8am' reason. So I'm going to be home alone, with the dog and cat, probably doing the same thing I do every stinking day. God I sound so bitter. See, for me, a certain someone is like an addictive substance. You know your life would be a whole lot simpler without it, but you couldn't be without it. You just want it all the time.


At least I think....I've never been much of a drug person XD or at all. 


But here I am, in Simons room, I brought in my own chair because his desk chair is slightly greasy and quite frankly disgusting and the smell of him is almost gone. If you've ever heard me talk about my brother you'll know what I mean :S lol. 


My chemistry book is looking at me, it's being all innocent sat next to me, open on the page about Kc and all I can think is that I quite honestly don't care. Like, at all. Because I suck at chemistry. But I need a B. And I'm considering getting a tutor if they didn't charge like £23 an hour. Which my mum won't pay, not that I'd ask. I just need to find someone who's GOOD at chemistry. See, if I talked to anyone in my chem class I could ask them to help me. But I don't. So I can't. This is why being a mute sucks XD. Thankfully I'm doing much better in Psychology, there my muteness doesn't matter. Though it does kinda suck that everyone's stopped saying hi when I walk in the room. Not that they did that much anyway. 


Bleh, if there was anything I could change about me it would be:
My shyness - big social flaw. I wish I was like Joe and seriously not give a crap.
The only other things are vain, like my hips and my legs. I wish I could take to exercise, because I would like to make those go away. Even though Joe 'loves' my hips. I'm sorry, but please, being out of proportion is never fun.


Anyway, I sounded like a stuck up bitch then XD 


Happiness, shall find me tomorrow I hope. I also hope I'm not in a bad mood because I haven't actually had a lie in outside of the 5 days I was at Joe's house. mmm 7am is a bad time of day. And at Joe's I didn't get much sleep, what with my dreams about Freddie Krueger after seeing that trailer for Nightmare on Elm street. Why did they have to remake it and actually make it scary? The last one was classic! Funny as fuck, and that's from the girl who hates horror films. But then again, I have an overactive imagination for that stuff, I can scare myself silly, which is another reason I don't want to be on my own this weekend. I'll just end up giving myself a heart attack. I usually console myself that my dad can kick anybodys ass. But he's not going to be there =/


I've decided curly hair is the future, it means I can do my hair in like 10 minutes, which is a blatent win if it means I have more time in the morning. I hate rushing around, I'd rather be able to just chill and do stuff slowly.


We went out for tea on Friday because it's my brothers birthday on the 22nd. So I had a shower, did my hair/make-up, got dressed and actually had 10 minutes before we had to leave. Though my mum did point out I was still the last one ready. But usually I'm running round like a headless chicken and everyone's actually in the car before I get there. My slob days are nice and relaxing, I have days where I can't be bothered to even look like a girl. Lol Joe's going to have a nice surprise when he sees those days XD. Thankfully I think he lies to make me feel better :).


I'm watching the scroll bar get longer and I'm thinking I ought to wrap this up now. Just a quick shout out to Hayfever, which I was reminded about by Josie, the love of my life. I am SO glad I don't have hayfever, you should see my mum and my brother in the summer. My brothers eyes puff up so much you can barely see his eyes. Which makes it lucky he never goes outside XD


Anyways, I'll try and post more often and more interestingly. All I've been doing is work, college work, revision and going to see Joe.


Forever yours,
The Daywalker...barely


P.s. title is the first line from Michael Bublé's song 'All I do is dream of you'

Oh yeah....a depressive one. I'm not even going to lie.

There's so much I want to write about, so much I want to vent. But I can't. I can't talk about it without the problem being so blatantly obvious and the person in question finding out.

Though I'll admit I'm not sure where the emotions that caused my current foul mood came from, but while they're here they're just turning me into an emotional wreck.

I just want to cry, and have done, because I can't verbalise my own thoughts, tears are the only way to vent some of my frustration. Tuesday night I just said it was because of the alcohol. 'I must be one of those depressed drinkers,' I thought to myself. Even I didn't believe me.

A friend told me I shouldn't put on a front, I should tell people how I feel so that I can get sympathy and a loving shoulder to cry on. But let's be honest, no one I know (including myself) has much sympathy for whiny attention-seekers.

I don't know, I just want to feel happy again, I kinda want to go back a month to when I was always so happy without a care or worry in the world.

Unfortunately life isn't that kind

Venting

I haven't blogged in what seems like forever and the only explanation I can give is that nothing has really been going on. I mean last wednesday I changed what I was doing at Uni; Again. And when I tell people many are like, 'how did you manage that?!?' It seems very few (i.e. None) are aware of the UCAS Extra scheme, whereby if a person receives no offers, they can add another option. So I went on my merry was and last Tuesday emailed Plymouth Uni to ask if they still had places on their C100 course, also known as Biological Sciences. I chose that course because at the end of the 1st year, you have the option to transfer into their Peninsula School of Medicine. Which is great! It means that for the low low price of two B's and a C, I can get to do what I want to do and only have to go to uni for another year. Six years isn't too bad is it? :S lol


The only problem is that I neglected to tell my mum about this change of plan. In her head I'm still going back to college for a year and hoping that I can defer my offer from Glamorgan. Unfortunately this isn't the case. You can't defer offers, which means that if I don't get a place at Plymouth, I can just be like 'oh dear, I can't defer it. I'll just have to reject it' unbeknownst to my mum that I'd rejected that offer months ago. That's all sorted, I'm still not sure what I'm going to tell her if I do get a place. I can't just turn round one day and say that 'woo! I got an offer from Plymouth Uni to do a subject you didn't know I'd applied for!'


You see, at the time, I weighed it in my mind and decided that because it was at the uni I wanted to go to and because it gave me access to the course I wanted to do, it was a smart move. I do wish that I'd discussed it with mum first. Even though she'd have had a hard time wrapping her head around it XD




And today was Joe's birthday :) I felt really bad because a) I wasn't 'allowed' to get him a birthday present (we'd decided that I needed to save for Portugal) and b) He was spending his 18th birthday just at my house with me, rather than going out like he probably wanted to. With my mother no less XD. But yeah, I'm hoping I made him feel a little better :P. But I made him a birthday cake, a supposed chocolate fudge cake (it really wasn't XD) decorated with a crushed up flake and mini eggs. It was good, probably the best one I've made so far, I always had a tendency to burn the cake XD. Especially that time I made one when Joe was at my house and he dragged me off while it was cooking and either the timer didn't go off or we were too busy to hear it.


I'm getting rather excited of late when I think that next year I shall be living with Joe :) I'm hoping that for the first year of the Medicine course I will be based in Plymouth. Because with that one you move each year between Plymouth Exeter and Truro. None are particularly far away, Plymouth is pretty much equidistant from each. And it's like a £5 return. So I may commute, or I'll live in the halls for the week when I'm not in plymouth and go home at weekends. By home I mean with Joe, not home home. I don't know, there's too much to think about, I might not have even got in. So yeah, growing up pretty much sucks.


I think I've vented enough for a while, that's just what's been on my mind of late.


Much loves, especially to Mr Joe Reid ♥

Scribble Award :)

This is officially my first award :D is it sad that it makes me happy? But thank you to the beautiful Rachel for giving me this award ♥ 

I have to write five things I love, five things I hate and five bloggers to pass this award on to :)

5 Things Hayley Paramore Loves more than anything else:

1. Joe Reid. If no one saw that coming they don't really know me :P

2. Jelly Tots

3. New Look

4. Singers

5. Loud Music

5 Things Hayley Paramore Hates more than anything else:

1. How little signal there is in my room

2. Marmite

3. Cheaters

4. Annoying voices (I mean a person with an annoying voice, I don't mean I hear voices XD)

5. People who don't text back quick enough XD

5 Bloggers to Pass this Award on To:

http://simply-be-yourself.blogspot.com/

http://sugarloris.blogspot.com/

http://joesblogs09.blogspot.com/

http://lyyyyd.blogspot.com/

http://trulynonsense-blou.blogspot.com/

Thankyou Guys :)

Ramblings of Boredom :P

So  I haven't blogged here in a good while, but nothing really is happening or worthy of wasting anyone's time to read.

I still trundle along in my little life, getting messages of love through my phone every 15 minutes at least that brighten my day when he cannot. I think I'm getting comfy, and this is the stage where I start to worry, start to worry that he'll leave me like the rest. My heart knows I'm being stupid and that the dull ache we both feel in our chests when we're apart isn't exactly going to go away yet. We're the same with eachother as we were in the beginning, only we know that we can count on the other and that we both want the same things out of life. (I especially like bringing up one thing, because he gets all embarassed he's been thinking about it at all; I for one think it's adorable :P)

But that really completely sums up the past few weeks, everyone at college has turned their minds to the upcoming exam results on thursday and are making plans to go out and get hammered to forget the woes of the day. As I moved into A-Levels, the hopes of getting pretty much straight A's slipped from my grasp. I was never in to doing extra work, and never really needed to and now that I do, I just can't and rely on just being average. I'm smart, I know that much, enough people tell me so. I just lack motivation. Though I have gained a motivation, trying hard, getting A's and moving in with Joe next September and going to Uni together.

That's my motivation. Joe's is slightly different, but still involving me, just a little further into the future when his role as the provider will begin.
I'm thinking about this post and wondering how on earth I'll bring myself to post it.
I want to write a new story, only I have no idea what. I miss spending hours writing alone in my room, my head so full of characters and potential plot idea's that I could never write them down fast enough. Now though, I cannot help but miss it. I missed the characters I created, even though they were just slightly altered versions of myself and the love interest in my life, I liked to make little scenarios of what could happen. I'm just a sap really who needs to get a life. XD

I started shopping for my holiday! :D I'm so glad that I can spend money again, even if it's on stuff I can't technically use till july. Of the £100 my mum gave me for holiday clothes and stuff, I have spent £30 so far and should end up with £35 left over if all goes to plan.
And I might be getting a job soon, which will take the pressure off of my EMA alone. And I can afford (hopefully) to actually go out and do stuff, seeing as lately I've had literally no money and I've even had to turn down going to Joe's :O. And I  won't have to feel bad about spending money on food. A girl has to eat, and my appetite lately has been bigger than usual.

I really don't have anything else to talk about, only that I'm probably going to be going to see Alice in Wonderland on Thursday in 3D, I've gained a love of 3D films, they're just so much prettier than 2D ones XD Plus it means that I get to stay round Joe's house and we can spend friday in bed as there is a day off from college :D

Oh happy daaays :)

Hayley
xxxxx
♥ I love you Joe ♥

Always Attract

'Keeping me awake, it's been like this now for days, my heart's out at sea, my head's all over the place. I'm losing sense of time, and everything tastes the same, I'll be home in a day but I fear that's a month too late. That night, I slept on your side of the bed so, it would be ready when you got home' You Me at Six - Always Attract


I actually can't believe it, my boyfriend ruined romantic films for me :O. Well not really ruined per say, but I was watching Pretty Woman today, and that scene where she kisses him for the first time (if you haven't seen it, she's a prostitute and has a rule that she never kisses a guy on the lips) and my heart just ached. I missed him, as sad and lame as that sounds. And oh yeah, he was here this morning, sleeping in my bed. But any second I'm away from him I miss him =/. That's just how it is now. We've been together nearly half a year and it's gone by so quickly, I've loved every minute of it.


Well thats the happiness out of the way, I'd just like to say that being ill sucks. Thanks to the stupid throat infection that I've got, my throat is currently half the size it usually is, which makes eating a barrel full of laughs. Today I think the cold really kicked in, and I've felt so weak all day and cold. Poor me :P 


Last night I had a nosebleed whilst I was at Lucy's house. I haven't had a nosebleed in years, and all that caused it was Joe grabbing my nose and wiggling it. I did it back to him and then my nose started bleeding. Nice. I think he thinks I'm like this teeny fragile person, because every time he accidentally elbows me or hits me, like when we're having tickling wars, he'll apologize for ages and he'll be so upset about it as if he'd actually hurt me, when usually he hasn't. So needless to say that the bleeding incident last night got to him a little. I think it was the fact he'd made me bleed, even though how was just stupid. he's so adorable and loves me so so much :3.


I dunno lately I've just become of the opinion that if you push people away and stop talking to people, you're just letting yourself in for being lonely. People have their reasons and stuff, but really, if you'd behaved a little better towards them, then they'd probably be better people towards you. And bitching about it isn't going to help anyone except yourself. The more you complain, the more they're going to think you're a whiny little bitch who needs to grow a pair and grow up. 
If people don't like you, there's going to be a reason. No offence, but if you can't realise that, then you're a little bit self righteous. No one's perfect, not even you so just cut everyone a little bit of slack. People CAN change, but being all up in their face isn't going to help anyone.

My current mission...


Get a picture of me and my boyfriend that isn't:
1) Blurry
2) Photobombed
3) Involving drunken people
4) Either of us pulling stupid faces
5) One where I look like a man/uggo/transvestite


Haha though, given the character of both me and Joe, the 4th one doesn't seem too likely. In the mornings at his house, we've occasionally ended up in front of the mirror, and Joe likes himself in the mirror :P He'll probably kill me for voicing that, but it's true. He spent a while talking to his own reflection and posing and stuff, it was so cute. But yeah we were standing, hugging and Joe looked into the mirror and just said; 'we look good in the mirror'. 


And I need a picture dammit! We're going over to Lucy's tomorrow, so I might take a few pictures. Facebook time methinks :)


And Joe's very excited (really :P) to use his valentines day present from me, erm...chocolate morph-suit :P Haha. 


And I really liked his 'I'm not used to tight boxers' dance :D Possibly one of the most funny moments so far XD Well he said that his underwear was boring! So I livened it up a little, with stars and stuff :P They're awesome, and I got him a pair with loved up robots because of the theme of the holiday. Robots are cool. I'd post pictures, but Topman won't let me copy the pictures :@ 


I probably rambled quite a bit on that one =/ oh wells, this is MY blog and I can do what I like :P Haha


Much Love


The Tiggle Monstaar
p.s. I love you Joe ♥

Valentines Day

Let's just say that February the 15th will be the REAL valentines day! Today was a fake one...I swear! I only say that because I didn't get to see Joe today, through a bunch of circumstances I've already whined about enough on my other blog (check my facebook page!) Buut I get to see him tomorrow and the next day. :D

February

So I changed my layout. I think it'd pretty :D It only took me a little effort and paintshop pro to make the awesome header. Me and my Joe :3.


So me and my life at the moment. Well, my mum's wandering round feeling sorry for herself and being self involved because she has man flu. Yes, man flu. She's starting to whinge that I don't spend any time with her. But why would I when all she talks about herself and how she feels awful. I mean I've had colds. I've been pathetic for a day then just got on with it. It's nearly been a week. So no, I don't want to spend any time with you because you're annoying to be around. Painful but true. I think every person reaches a time in their lives when they realise that at least one of their parents are pathetic and it then becomes their aim in life not to turn into them.


My best friend gets to stay at her boyfriends for a week with absolutely no fuss, but I can get hassle over a few days every weekend. Sometimes life just isn't fair.


But yeah, it's still pretty damn cold around here at the moment, I don't want to venture out any more than I have to, coldness makes my chest hurt to breathe. But I ventured off down town again today to go V-day shopping. I didn't get what I wanted to get, because Next's stores don't stock everything they have online :( But I had a trip to ann summers to check out their 'Accessories' and got some stuff from there. I can imagine Joe's face now and I think I'm going to have a laugh on Sunday :D. Well, maybe not a laugh in the end ;)


But yeah I've spent much more than I probably should have, and don't really have that much to show for it =/ which is always the case, but I didn't get my EMA bonus so that sucks quite a bit :(.


But I'm going to Portugal with Joe in the summer :D Which'll be amazing. We have our own bathroom ;). I'm thinking of asking my grandparents for a small loan so that there's a little less pressure to save in time for June. Because although I'm waiting on £200 at the moment from EMA and the tax people, I don't want to have to really worry about whether or not I'll be able to save £550. But yeah. Holiday with the one I love, can't get much better than that now can it?


Much love


Hayley


P.s. I love you Joe Reid ♥

Unii :S

Urgh I'm bored of my hair again :( I hate it when this happens, the last time I got bored of my hair, last halloween I ended up dark brunette, and I liked it. I'd love to have really really red hair, like, dark-ish red. But unfortunately my skin probably wouldn't allow it =/ I don't know really, and there's also the force that is my mother.

Also I wouldn't want to upset Joe, if he for some reason prefers the ginger-ness that is on top of my head. I may ask him, then head down to boots and get some dye, either dark red, dark reddish brown or brown methinks.

Anyways, I've been having very very happy times at the moment, I dunno, I think that because the pressure of exams has been lifted every student has a new lease of life. Everyone seems happier to have them out of the way. New modules seem more interesting, our biology teacher nearly has her mojo back though she does still insist on the occasional 'work pack' every now and again. I don't know how she thinks filling in a gap sheet makes and information go in. Oh well, I guess we all have the knowledge that in a few months we get to start all over again.

Buut, after that, none of us have to see anyone else unless we actually want to. Leaving school/college FREE education is quite scary, I don't know if I'm ready to be an adult. Spending 5 minutes in my company makes anyone realise that I'm not the most mature person on the planet, but I can't help but behave childishly. Life would be boring if anyone was too serious, they'd never have any fun. But the idea of having to go and make more new friends is just terrifying, I like the ones I have now thank you very much. I never make good first impressions, either by being hyperactive when we meet so they think I'm like...really weird, or by being too shy where people just think I'm too quiet to bother with. Every time I've done something that required me to make new friends, ie when we moved down here and then when I went to college; I've promised myself that I would be more outgoing. So far it hasn't worked.
I mean sure, I've made quite a few friends whilst I was in college and I wouldn't change any of my friends from school, I just don't like trying to talk to people I don't know. I daresay I'll be fine, because I have been so far, I never don't make friends (unless I choose not to) so yeah it'll be good. It's just the prospect that's scary.

The topic of great discussion at the moment is student finance. Lucy was freaking out because she thought that she only had £3,500 to live off of a year and her accomodation was going to be £4,000, so how on earth was she going to afford the extra £500. Luckily the government's a little more generous than that, and you get two loads of money to live off of. The maintenance loan (mine is £3995) and the maintenance grant (mine is like £2000) so all in all I'm going to be getting £6,000. And my accomodation isi £3.5K a year so I'll have £2.5K to live off of a year. In three handy term packages. I'm especially thankful that they hand out money termly, cos I'd be worrying about spending all my money and having nothing at the end of the year.

I honestly just can't wait to leave home. I can't wait to rule my own life. I can't wait to be able to go to Joe's on any long weekends I have free. He doesn't know that yet, hopefully he won't read this, but I'm going to surprise him with a visit soon after I've left. Because I think that's the thing that's troubling us both at the moment, what happens in september? I'm annoyed because our year anniversary is on the 4th of September but Uni starts on the 1st, so I miss our anniversary. Sucks to be me I guess. I don't know how I'm going to do without seeing him every day, that thought alone breaks my heart. The thought of leaving him behind makes me not want to go to university, which is crazy and he'd never allow it. But it's true, I'd rather stay here with him than go to university. It's alright for Lucy, her boyfriend lives like, one train stop away from her. I have to commute from Wales to Cornwall every time I want to hug my boyfriend. Well obviously not, but you know what I mean.

Urgh I've depressed myself now XD Happy thoughts, we still have 6 months left, we'll just have to make them count.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write here =/


Spent the past couple of days at Joe's and I don't think I need to say how happy I was while I was there. Joe babbles a lot about stuff, and I love hearing him say all those things :) it just makes me feel so loved which is a feeling I can't live without.


But then I came home...fun times. After some drama at Joe's when his Dad walked in and said that Wadebridge was impassable...I was like what?!? It was sunny in Camborne at the time so the idea of snow was a bit laughable. I decided I would trek home anyways, with the proviso set out by Joe that if the buses weren't running I was to go back to his house (ie home =3) sadly though, I was told to get the train if the buses weren't running by my mother. And so I got the train after having missed the 'good' bus by 10 minutes. Dad came and picked me up and took me home to find mum (who I'd phoned twice earlier to find her in good spirits), silent and mardy as some kinda of mardy cow. Sorry if you don't understand the word, its just the only way I can think of describing it. Mardy : A definition. But yeah, she hasn't actually spoken to me since I got in and she asked in this far off, quiet voice if I'd had a good time. I'd spoken to her not an hour before and she was fine! I'm not even going to try and figure that one out. 


But yeah, so here I am, waiting for my Dad to get tired of her mardiness and yell at her. I don't know which one I hate more, mum's moods or them yelling at eachother. It's been a while since they have, but I've never been able to get used to it.


I don't think I can handle strong emotions well, if anyone yells, is upset or any other strong emotion I generally just go quiet and wait for it to go away. Which is quite childish I suppose, but I suppose its just a reflex now.


But anyways, I was thinking earlier, and I've decided that I'm not going to let myself get bogged down about anything any more. And that's a pretty hard thing for me to do because I over analyse every little thing and get worked up about the little things. I'm also going to try and be able to talk about how I feel when it matters. Because I think that that is an awful thing to put the other person through when you have no idea how to voice the words that are screaming inside your head. Especially when I'm with Joe, he has no trouble saying what's on his mind or how he's feeling, but me? I think I'd rather get hit by a bus than admit how I feel, even though I know the outcome wouldn't be bad.


I'm just a crazy person :P


Much love hugs :)
Hayley

After a very unproductive day of tidying my room and playing wii sports with my Dad, I really ought to go and do some revision XD 


I have a biology exam on monday which I'm fairly sure I'm going to bomb.


And a stats exam I'm going to pass.


No prizes for guessing which one I'm going to go and revise.......Stats :P just kidding, Biology.


I got another rejection on friday..fun times. Only two more to go! 


I had an awesome time at Lucy's birthday party, the band playing was immense and the singer looked like Jesus. Elisha and I were going to steal him and take him home (shh don't tell Joe!) 


I had a pretty mixed up day on Friday, to start with I was really happy cos I got 2 free packets of starburst and they went to my head a little bit. Then after that I felt very shitty and probably scared people walking round Truro when they found the crazy Hyperventilating girl who was trying really really hard not to cry :S I'll only say this; I have serious abandonment issues. There are people who can't let others in, I'm one who can't live without them. Great stuff for mee! 


But yeah, a rather bullet-pointed post, but I ought to go revise!

Much Love

~*~ Hayley ~*~

Unhappy ramblings

I'm sorry, but this is undoubtedly going to be another whiny, girly blog about my feelings or some shit. But I feel that if I don't get them out somehow I'm going to spontaneously combust. 


I hate feeling so dependant. 


I hate how little in control of my own life I feel.


I hate how I don't even feel like I can talk to my best friends about anything.


I hate how much I miss him (which goes with the first one, but I'm emphasising)


I hate being stuck here.


I hate snow.


I've been feeling just, unhappy for days, with no real cause. And every time I see someone with more problems than me handling them so much better I just feel like a stupid, self-involved child. I need to grow up and realise that the little things don't matter and that I shouldn't over analyse everything. My entire existence seems to revolve around the presence of a certain male, but it's like, I don't get to see him nearly as often as I would like and whenever I'm with him it's great, I have a reason to carry on whoop! But then when I'm without him, and he hasn't answered my texts, it's like 'sooo...what do I do now?' to the point I think my mum thinks I'm a bitchy depressed person. Great times for me. 


I probably need more hobbies, as crazy as that sounds XD I need something to preoccupy myself with that isn't revision, because in my life at the moment I only have: Joe, College, Revision, the Piano and this blog to use my mind for. And that's not a lot to occupy myself. In some ways I wish I lived at my old house, if everything here that I loved could come with me. Like my Lucy, my cat and my Joe :P. I miss Ice Skating, I miss that feeling of cold vapour coming off of the ice, and that amazing feeling when you've accomplished some jump you didn't think you'd actually be able to do. I nearly finished the standard grades, it goes up to grade ten then bronze, silver and gold. I was on gold, just about to pass that and start the more professional training, but I moved and couldn't carry on. And there isn't anywhere nearby I could learn until I go to University (IF I get to go to university) So, my ice skates are...somewhere, rusting their little blades off bless them. 


There are very few things in my life I've been really passionate about, I've always been one of those girls that never really got any attention at school, and whenever anyone (okay guys) showed any interest, that was it; I was in 'love'. I've truly loved twice, including now. But because of my choice in boyfriend, I've thought up the most elaborate plots they're ridiculous. When I first got together with my boyfriend, I had to convince myself that he wasn't going out with me in some plot with my ex-boyfriend (one of his friends) to break my heart and make me miserable. That's just how paranoid I am. 


Oh and just an FYI, my mum's a bitch. Nuff said. I know you shouldn't say things like that about your own flesh and blood or whatever, but she really is. Ironically enough, everything she whinges about her own mum, she does the same; it makes me happy that there I'm too much like my dad to ever get like that. Because if I ever inflict constant moaning about things that don't even matter, screaming at inanimate objects on my children then they can feel free to shoot me. 


My last thing to whinge about....I'm going to fail my exams and go and live in a park home. Okay?


Much love
~*~ Hayley ~*~

Happy Snow Day!

So the whole of the country seems to be revelling in the ever-present snow. I'm a little less excited as we go through the days because it means I haven't been able to get to college. Which any other time of year would be fine, but I have an exam next week and would kinda like to go to my lessons =/. I'm probably the only person who would actually like to go to college at the moment, which may make me a little bit of a nerd, but at least I can admit that.
Yesterday we went out sledging in the afternoon and we made a ramp and stuff and were flying over it (unless you were Lauren where she was FAILING over it XD) We stayed out till I couldn't feel my fingers anymore and then felt guilty that I had done absolutely no revision that day. So I went home and did a stats paper, got an A which made me feel better for not having done anything. I got to laugh at Joe because there was no snow in the south and so he had to go to college, whilst the roads were so bad up here that no buses or cars were going along the A39 to Wadebridge or beyond so the camelford lot were forced to stay at home and frolic in the snow. Shame that XD
Me Sledging :D

Yeah so we all had a pretty good time, were absolutely tired afterwards and I was so glad that my dad had decided that he would give me a lift to Tregoodwell and back, because I didn't feel like walking just over a mile each way. 
Today my dad made a giant snowman HERE based on The Snowman, that tv show that's always on at christmas. All in all snow days have been great, I've only been to college once since we went back. But it does mean that I haven't seen Joe since Saturday =/ and that's not fun. It doesn't help that he hasn't been texting me back...it makes me think I've done something :(

Much Love

~*~ Hayley ~*~