I hate feeling so dependant.
I hate how little in control of my own life I feel.
I hate how I don't even feel like I can talk to my best friends about anything.
I hate how much I miss him (which goes with the first one, but I'm emphasising)
I hate being stuck here.
I hate snow.
I've been feeling just, unhappy for days, with no real cause. And every time I see someone with more problems than me handling them so much better I just feel like a stupid, self-involved child. I need to grow up and realise that the little things don't matter and that I shouldn't over analyse everything. My entire existence seems to revolve around the presence of a certain male, but it's like, I don't get to see him nearly as often as I would like and whenever I'm with him it's great, I have a reason to carry on whoop! But then when I'm without him, and he hasn't answered my texts, it's like 'sooo...what do I do now?' to the point I think my mum thinks I'm a bitchy depressed person. Great times for me.
I probably need more hobbies, as crazy as that sounds XD I need something to preoccupy myself with that isn't revision, because in my life at the moment I only have: Joe, College, Revision, the Piano and this blog to use my mind for. And that's not a lot to occupy myself. In some ways I wish I lived at my old house, if everything here that I loved could come with me. Like my Lucy, my cat and my Joe :P. I miss Ice Skating, I miss that feeling of cold vapour coming off of the ice, and that amazing feeling when you've accomplished some jump you didn't think you'd actually be able to do. I nearly finished the standard grades, it goes up to grade ten then bronze, silver and gold. I was on gold, just about to pass that and start the more professional training, but I moved and couldn't carry on. And there isn't anywhere nearby I could learn until I go to University (IF I get to go to university) So, my ice skates are...somewhere, rusting their little blades off bless them. There are very few things in my life I've been really passionate about, I've always been one of those girls that never really got any attention at school, and whenever anyone (okay guys) showed any interest, that was it; I was in 'love'. I've truly loved twice, including now. But because of my choice in boyfriend, I've thought up the most elaborate plots they're ridiculous. When I first got together with my boyfriend, I had to convince myself that he wasn't going out with me in some plot with my ex-boyfriend (one of his friends) to break my heart and make me miserable. That's just how paranoid I am.
Oh and just an FYI, my mum's a bitch. Nuff said. I know you shouldn't say things like that about your own flesh and blood or whatever, but she really is. Ironically enough, everything she whinges about her own mum, she does the same; it makes me happy that there I'm too much like my dad to ever get like that. Because if I ever inflict constant moaning about things that don't even matter, screaming at inanimate objects on my children then they can feel free to shoot me.
My last thing to whinge about....I'm going to fail my exams and go and live in a park home. Okay?
Much love
~*~ Hayley ~*~
No comments:
Post a Comment