All the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Well, I came back. And aren't I glad I did...not.

The bad thing about a drug is that once you get more of it, you always want that much, always want more than you can probably get.

But yeah, the week was perfect, well, except that Joe decided that he liked it when I got mad. So he provoked me; a lot. And I get teasy when it's too hot. And I consider 35 degrees plus to be too hot XD

But it was so nice to spend those nine days with him. NINE STRAIGHT DAYS! :D

Best
Week
EVER!

But when I got home, after going to a BBQ, my mum wasn't talking to me. What a surprise. But luckily she was going away the next day anyway with Dad. So now I have the house all to myself (well except from my never-present brother; who I have to feed by the way) and I couldn't be happier. Well I would be happier if I had a Joe to cuddle up to every night and a bigger bed so I could fit a double bed into. But that is neither here nor there.

So I'm starting to work towards my grade 7 in piano. The numbers are getting bigger and closer to the goal of Grade 8. But unfortunately I'm doing this one alone as I've left college and I don't have the heart to ask my parents to get a private tutor. But yeah, grade 7; scary. You have no idea how surprised I was when I phoned home my third day in Portugal and heard that I'd passed. I didn't expect to pass in any way, shape or form. But there you go. In one year I have done my music theory test and passed grade 6; that's an achievement in itself isn't it?

But, I can't help but think that in just 19 days I'm going to find out my fate for the next three years of my life. I'll probably get a letter from Plymouth in a couple of weeks with either good news or bad news. Every time I think about it my heart gets all anxious. But I'm trying to be nonchalant, but in my head all I can think to myself is that I haven't managed it, that I'm going to be stuck here for another year.

I don't think I could handle that. I couldn't bear living in this hell hole for another year. I don't even want to consider that outcome. Lately I've been wondering if I could ever have the strength and or bravery to walk out of here, walk out of this house and do what I want to do for once. Rather than do what I know I should do, or rather, what I feel I HAVE to do. I can't make her happy forever, I can barely do it as it is, so why not just walk out?