I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write here =/


Spent the past couple of days at Joe's and I don't think I need to say how happy I was while I was there. Joe babbles a lot about stuff, and I love hearing him say all those things :) it just makes me feel so loved which is a feeling I can't live without.


But then I came home...fun times. After some drama at Joe's when his Dad walked in and said that Wadebridge was impassable...I was like what?!? It was sunny in Camborne at the time so the idea of snow was a bit laughable. I decided I would trek home anyways, with the proviso set out by Joe that if the buses weren't running I was to go back to his house (ie home =3) sadly though, I was told to get the train if the buses weren't running by my mother. And so I got the train after having missed the 'good' bus by 10 minutes. Dad came and picked me up and took me home to find mum (who I'd phoned twice earlier to find her in good spirits), silent and mardy as some kinda of mardy cow. Sorry if you don't understand the word, its just the only way I can think of describing it. Mardy : A definition. But yeah, she hasn't actually spoken to me since I got in and she asked in this far off, quiet voice if I'd had a good time. I'd spoken to her not an hour before and she was fine! I'm not even going to try and figure that one out. 


But yeah, so here I am, waiting for my Dad to get tired of her mardiness and yell at her. I don't know which one I hate more, mum's moods or them yelling at eachother. It's been a while since they have, but I've never been able to get used to it.


I don't think I can handle strong emotions well, if anyone yells, is upset or any other strong emotion I generally just go quiet and wait for it to go away. Which is quite childish I suppose, but I suppose its just a reflex now.


But anyways, I was thinking earlier, and I've decided that I'm not going to let myself get bogged down about anything any more. And that's a pretty hard thing for me to do because I over analyse every little thing and get worked up about the little things. I'm also going to try and be able to talk about how I feel when it matters. Because I think that that is an awful thing to put the other person through when you have no idea how to voice the words that are screaming inside your head. Especially when I'm with Joe, he has no trouble saying what's on his mind or how he's feeling, but me? I think I'd rather get hit by a bus than admit how I feel, even though I know the outcome wouldn't be bad.


I'm just a crazy person :P


Much love hugs :)
Hayley

After a very unproductive day of tidying my room and playing wii sports with my Dad, I really ought to go and do some revision XD 


I have a biology exam on monday which I'm fairly sure I'm going to bomb.


And a stats exam I'm going to pass.


No prizes for guessing which one I'm going to go and revise.......Stats :P just kidding, Biology.


I got another rejection on friday..fun times. Only two more to go! 


I had an awesome time at Lucy's birthday party, the band playing was immense and the singer looked like Jesus. Elisha and I were going to steal him and take him home (shh don't tell Joe!) 


I had a pretty mixed up day on Friday, to start with I was really happy cos I got 2 free packets of starburst and they went to my head a little bit. Then after that I felt very shitty and probably scared people walking round Truro when they found the crazy Hyperventilating girl who was trying really really hard not to cry :S I'll only say this; I have serious abandonment issues. There are people who can't let others in, I'm one who can't live without them. Great stuff for mee! 


But yeah, a rather bullet-pointed post, but I ought to go revise!

Much Love

~*~ Hayley ~*~

Unhappy ramblings

I'm sorry, but this is undoubtedly going to be another whiny, girly blog about my feelings or some shit. But I feel that if I don't get them out somehow I'm going to spontaneously combust. 


I hate feeling so dependant. 


I hate how little in control of my own life I feel.


I hate how I don't even feel like I can talk to my best friends about anything.


I hate how much I miss him (which goes with the first one, but I'm emphasising)


I hate being stuck here.


I hate snow.


I've been feeling just, unhappy for days, with no real cause. And every time I see someone with more problems than me handling them so much better I just feel like a stupid, self-involved child. I need to grow up and realise that the little things don't matter and that I shouldn't over analyse everything. My entire existence seems to revolve around the presence of a certain male, but it's like, I don't get to see him nearly as often as I would like and whenever I'm with him it's great, I have a reason to carry on whoop! But then when I'm without him, and he hasn't answered my texts, it's like 'sooo...what do I do now?' to the point I think my mum thinks I'm a bitchy depressed person. Great times for me. 


I probably need more hobbies, as crazy as that sounds XD I need something to preoccupy myself with that isn't revision, because in my life at the moment I only have: Joe, College, Revision, the Piano and this blog to use my mind for. And that's not a lot to occupy myself. In some ways I wish I lived at my old house, if everything here that I loved could come with me. Like my Lucy, my cat and my Joe :P. I miss Ice Skating, I miss that feeling of cold vapour coming off of the ice, and that amazing feeling when you've accomplished some jump you didn't think you'd actually be able to do. I nearly finished the standard grades, it goes up to grade ten then bronze, silver and gold. I was on gold, just about to pass that and start the more professional training, but I moved and couldn't carry on. And there isn't anywhere nearby I could learn until I go to University (IF I get to go to university) So, my ice skates are...somewhere, rusting their little blades off bless them. 


There are very few things in my life I've been really passionate about, I've always been one of those girls that never really got any attention at school, and whenever anyone (okay guys) showed any interest, that was it; I was in 'love'. I've truly loved twice, including now. But because of my choice in boyfriend, I've thought up the most elaborate plots they're ridiculous. When I first got together with my boyfriend, I had to convince myself that he wasn't going out with me in some plot with my ex-boyfriend (one of his friends) to break my heart and make me miserable. That's just how paranoid I am. 


Oh and just an FYI, my mum's a bitch. Nuff said. I know you shouldn't say things like that about your own flesh and blood or whatever, but she really is. Ironically enough, everything she whinges about her own mum, she does the same; it makes me happy that there I'm too much like my dad to ever get like that. Because if I ever inflict constant moaning about things that don't even matter, screaming at inanimate objects on my children then they can feel free to shoot me. 


My last thing to whinge about....I'm going to fail my exams and go and live in a park home. Okay?


Much love
~*~ Hayley ~*~

Happy Snow Day!

So the whole of the country seems to be revelling in the ever-present snow. I'm a little less excited as we go through the days because it means I haven't been able to get to college. Which any other time of year would be fine, but I have an exam next week and would kinda like to go to my lessons =/. I'm probably the only person who would actually like to go to college at the moment, which may make me a little bit of a nerd, but at least I can admit that.
Yesterday we went out sledging in the afternoon and we made a ramp and stuff and were flying over it (unless you were Lauren where she was FAILING over it XD) We stayed out till I couldn't feel my fingers anymore and then felt guilty that I had done absolutely no revision that day. So I went home and did a stats paper, got an A which made me feel better for not having done anything. I got to laugh at Joe because there was no snow in the south and so he had to go to college, whilst the roads were so bad up here that no buses or cars were going along the A39 to Wadebridge or beyond so the camelford lot were forced to stay at home and frolic in the snow. Shame that XD
Me Sledging :D

Yeah so we all had a pretty good time, were absolutely tired afterwards and I was so glad that my dad had decided that he would give me a lift to Tregoodwell and back, because I didn't feel like walking just over a mile each way. 
Today my dad made a giant snowman HERE based on The Snowman, that tv show that's always on at christmas. All in all snow days have been great, I've only been to college once since we went back. But it does mean that I haven't seen Joe since Saturday =/ and that's not fun. It doesn't help that he hasn't been texting me back...it makes me think I've done something :(

Much Love

~*~ Hayley ~*~

IN THE TUNDRA!

I'm sorta posting on two blogs, I don't really know why. My other one however seems to put my posts on my facebook...so everyone I know can read about all the emotions that I manage to lock inside. Which to be honest, isn't really ideal.


It was a snow day today, so me and my friends went sledging near Ben's house. It was awesome, but very very cold XD. Because I couldn't go to college this morning I started to miss a certain someone, but what else is new? I miss him pretty much every moment I'm not with him =/
But yeah SNOW! I got up this morning, was busy straightening my hair when my mum asks if I've looked outside. I was greeted with a winter wonderland! So when I decided my bus really wasn't going to be able to come, I went back to bed for 3 hours. Aggravating Joe in the process because he had to go to college :P He was jealous of our sledging too, but I'm sure he'd rather have been with me :D 
We recorded videos of sledging and stuff on my new iPod (lovingly given to me by Joseph :P) and were watching them on Ben's laptop when we got back. Awkward moment when Ben asked why I'd named my iPod Charlie...long story...but to me its cute. Joe will probably be like wtf, why? Because he knows the name connection. And its a little sad.


I spent friday/saturday at Joe's. I wish my mum would let me spend a week there...the closest I've got is 3 days but I want a week! It never seems long enough, especially as it takes so long to get there! It takes an hour on the train and like, two and a half on the bus so it takes like half a day to like, get there and then the time taken to actually sleep in the middle (if we actually sleep ;) )I only see him for a few hours. I sound like a sap. I sometimes hate how vulnerable I've become. I always think I've done something wrong if he hasn't spoken to me for a few hours (at the moment eight and a half) and I'm always the one that texts him. I dunno, I just feel a little hopeless.


I've been in a weird mood since I went on the Pill, my hormones are acting up I guess. I have a slight worry about the whole pill thing, I don't really know if I waited long enough after starting them before...you know. And how are you supposed to know if you're pregnant if you're on the type of pill that's most likely going to stop those monthly services? I suppose my present theory of just waiting and seeing if I start ballooning isn't very good. Especially seeing as I know that if I was in that situation I wouldn't be able to stop it, I just couldn't get rid of it =/ I'm far too maternal. Which would thrill Joe seeing as he hates children. Oh well, I'll see how it goes, if I start craving stuff or throwing up, I'll take a pregnancy test and deal with it.


I'm probably the only person who hopes we can get in to college tomorrow, because Wednesdays are the days that I spend like, all day with Joe, just hanging out and its great :D.

Wish me luck

~*~ Hayley ~*~